The Beast

 a blurb I wrote last summer:

I knew it could never work.

That she’d never choose me. Not when she had a life outside these dreary walls. One that was warm, filled with light, and people she cared about. Not that she didn’t care about me too, because she did, at least I thought so. I saw it in her eyes every time she laughed at my poor excuses for jokes, everytime we huddled near the fireplace reading to each other on cold nights, everytime I brought her a bouquet of the least withered flowers I could gather from the decaying gardens. 

The only times I could never find a trace of that warmth in her gaze was when I was transformed, when the Beast took over and I watched from the sidelines as I was consumed by my own magic. In those moments all I could see in her deep green eyes was fear. Fear and hatred.

I couldn’t stand seeing her in pain. Pain that I caused, not just as the Beast, but as myself too. I forced her to stay here in this drafty, rundown castle as my companion. I was selfish as always. It seems I am incapable of change.

Or perhaps I can change, if only slightly. “You’re free to leave.” 

“...What?”

“I will no longer hold you here against your will. You may come and go as you wish.”

She stared at me with an unreadable expression from across the dinner table.

“You mean if I leave the estate right now… you won’t stop me?”

“No” I shook my head, raising my glass to my lips. “You may go see your family, I’m sure you miss them.” She hid it well, but I was very aware of her suffering and I could not stand the guilt much longer. “I enjoy your company, but I would enjoy it a great deal more if you chose to be here.” I hesitated before adding in a quieter tone, “I hope you come visit when you can.”

She got up from her chair and took a few tentative steps towards the door while watching my reaction like a hawk. As if she was testing whether I was serious.

“Then, I’ll go now. To see my family.” she said carefully as if to not spook me into changing my mind. She was acting like I was some wild animal that would tear her to shreds if she made the wrong move. She was acting as though I was the Beast. That realization drove a dagger into my heart.

She would not return. 

She didn't want to see me again. It seemed like she had cared. Was that just an act? Butter me up so that when I let my guard down she could escape? Escape back to her life outside these walls and tell everyone of her great deception. Of how she had tricked the horrid Beast into letting her leave. I was horrid for keeping her here, wasn’t I?

“I wish you a safe trip.” I managed to choke out. Barely keeping my composure. 

And that was that. She left, and my tears fell.